flowerofmtsilver | IC contact; phone

What an awful mess. Things were still somewhat patchwork between people. Christmas was not as refreshing as it could have been. New Years were all about new beginnings and cleaning out the clutter of the old year. As far as Bulba could tell, his was still strewn about and he wasn't sure where to begin.

Except that was a lie. There was a glaring piece that stood out like a sore thumb, he was just doing his best to ignore it. Doing so was only going to make it worse though, and he knew it. The question had been hanging over his head since he had spoken to Voile about it. It needed to be asked. It did. Even if it didn't seem like a very good time to do so, was there ever really one to begin with? Trying to say he'd wait was just fooling himself and hoping things would get better on their own so he'd never have to question it.

But if Vinnie wasn't happy with... them... Then Bulba needed to know, for both their sakes. Besides, it was completely possible it was all in his head. It wouldn't have been the first time.

(He hoped this was the case.)

Bulba was sitting against the side of Vinnie's bed that afternoon, a book in his hands that he was altogether not very good at focusing on. The same sentence blended together over and over frustratingly. Eventually Bulba gave up, looking up from the page to peek on how Vinnie was faring with his.

It was a new year. Normally that spoke of fresh starts, clean slates, and renewed resolve, but all the baggage accumulated over the holidays had been especially persistent this year. None of Vinnie's problems or fears had gone away - if anything, they'd only become more pronounced over time.

In the face of such conflicts, academia seemed so trivial, somehow. Every time he tried to focus back on school, his mind protested by wandering off instead. He'd been lying on the bed with a research paper, but by the time Bulba looked over at him, the paper was resting lazily on his chest and he'd gone back to staring blankly at the ceiling.

Yeah, studies just weren't working out, it seemed.

The shiny twisted around in his position, gently laying his head down on the edge of the bed. Some of his hair fanned out over the sheets, brushing Vinnie's fingertips with how close he had laid his head. Even if it was just for a few moments, Bulba still liked to watch him like this. It was almost easy to pretend there weren't many worries to be thinking about when all he saw was him. So for a little while that's all he did, quietly peering at him with gold eyes that were trying to note down every little detail.

After a bit, though, Bulba nuzzled his face closer to softly bump Vinnie's fingers with his nose. Boop.

Oh, hello. The older Saur hadn't even noticed that he'd been watched. Summoned by the boops, Vinnie blinked and rolled his head over to look at Bulba. "Hm?"

There was a tiny shrug of Bulba's shoulder. "I just wanted to touch you a little," was the very plain explanation.

The tiny shrug was matched by a tiny grin. Sure, his eyes still looked tired and he was a bit confused by the sudden gesture, but a grin was a grin.

In return, Vinnie gently pressed Bulba's nose with his finger. Boop back.

A grin was a grin. A small one bloomed on Bulba's face all on its own at the gentle touch. "Hehe."

His eyes shifted back to the abandoned research paper on Vinnie's chest, sitting as alone and unread as the book in Bulba's lap. "Do you want to take a break?"

Vinnie glanced down at the research paper - unread, and likely not to be read anytime soon - and had to concede defeat. "Yeah, maybe," he said with a sigh.

He put the paper aside and rolled over to face Bulba. From the looks of it, the other Venusaur hadn't gotten very far in his book either. "How's it going for you?"

"Ehh," came the noncommittal reply.

There was some more positioning going on, enabling Bulba to cross his arms on the bed. He settled his chin back on them, keeping his eyes on Vinnie. "I think I want a break too. Too much thinking and not enough reading, I think."

"Thinking, huh...?" Vinnie echoed the words contemplatively. That brief grin faded away like it had never been there, replaced by an air of worry. He was sure that it wasn't too hard to guess what was distracting Bulba so much, but a sudden bubble of anxiety kept him from asking outright if it was about him.

Though even if it went unsaid, the question showed pretty plainly on his face.

That... had been the wrong thing to say. He'd just been talking but now the whisper of Vinnie's smile was gone and Bulba missed it already. It was painful seeing how quickly Bulba could banish it when just moments before he had been falling a little more in love with the the way Vinnie could conjure one out of him like it was nothing.

That wasn't fair at all.

Bulba's eyes softened as he considered the worried look on his boyfriend's face, trying to look reassuring. It wasn't anything bad. Right? Yeah. Maybe. God, he didn't know. Maybe it was, and that's why he was so scared to ask. He shouldn't have to ask.

"Yeah... this and that sort of thing," he mumbled against his arm, appalled by the way his pulse had sped up a little when the question had been on his tongue.

Vinnie probably shouldn't have expected Bulba to just talk about it on his own, he supposed - not if it was something that was actually bothering him. That being the case, didn't that mean it was something that Vinnie should know about? If he'd screwed up again, or if there were family complications that Bulba couldn't ignore anymore...

The Venusaur pushed himself up into a sitting position, more concerned than before. Is it me? As much as he wanted to, he couldn't get those words out. But he still had to say something. It didn't sit well to just not ask.

"...What's on your mind?"

There was no reason to be worried, he told himself. This was all just some stupid thing in his head like it usually was. No big deal. He just had to ask so they could roll their eyes about it and keep going.

Telling himself that didn't stop the unsteady, nervous feeling that was washing over his heart.

You're just being dumb. It's fine.

"I guess I've just been wondering, but... Have you... been happy with this? With us, I mean."

A look of surprise washed over Vinnie's face. For a moment, he was at a loss for how to respond - the silence was longer than he liked, and likely longer than Bulba was comfortable with, too.

Urgently, he tried to play back the last few times they'd been together, whether or not he'd given indication that he'd been upset at Bulba. The evidence wasn't great. After what happened over the holidays, the Venusaur had managed to become very internalized with his guilty and worry, pushing away his boyfriend in the process.

It was true that all the conflict had made things strained, and Vinnie couldn't honestly say he was glad to be in such a situation. But when it was just the two of them, even if it was just stealing time away from the inevitable rift between loyalties, it felt... right. Like this was a place he wanted to stay, for as long as he could.

Did Bulba feel the same, though? How long had he been wondering this? Was it just today? The last month? Months, plural?

His expression softened, but Vinnie was still undeniably nervous when he responded, "I'm happy with you. Why...?"

Logically, he knew it was a big question to spring on Vinnie. It'd take anyone a little bit to know what to say. But even if he knew that, every moment spent in more than a few moments of silence broke Bulba a little bit more, knowing that it was something to think about.

Maybe it hadn't been that dumb of a thought at all.

But for a moment, Vinnie's answer made him forget. Before Bulba could really think about what it meant, another small smile warmed his face. It was just in his nature to accept happy sentiments with joy, and it should have made him happy. The nature of the answer only started to sink in after, a heavy feeling slowly sinking down with it.

"Mm... Some of the mistletoe stuff stuck with me for a bit, I guess," Bulba tried to explain regardless, ruffling a hand up over his hair and looking more sheepish than anything. "There hasn't been a good time to ask with everything else."

"Oh." That was pretty understandable. Nevermind the fact that being pushed into someone else's memory was jarring enough on its own, Bulba had seen his inner turmoil over the choice to start a relationship in the first place. On this very bed, no less. Obviously it was a bit embarrassing for him to see all that in hindsight, but maybe he needed more reassurance that the past was past.

And, to be honest, Vinnie could use some of that too, in regards to what he saw and felt.

He tried to explain, "I mean, I was nervous, but... well, sometimes I still am?" Sheepishly, he scratched his jaw before quickly adding, "But not in a bad way, really. Just..."

There was a pause. It wasn't a feeling Vinnie knew how to put into words. Happiness and fear wound together in such a tight knot that sometimes it almost hurt. When they were together, the rest of the world seemed to disappear - and the thought of one day having to part left an ache emptier than he knew how to describe.

Turning pink, he rubbed the back of his neck and muttered, "It makes me glad for everything we can have."

Because he knew they couldn't have everything.

Bulba could understand being nervous still. He's nervous right now, listening to him. There was comfort in the words the older saur was saying that Bulba tried to clasp on to, but he knew. If it was only the times Vinnie was together with him that made him happy, that wasn't enough. There was not enough there to justify all the things Vinnie had set aside because of Bulba. He's not worth that.

He's not worth it but he still felt a fond rush of happiness at the way Vinnie was turning pink. God, how selfish was he? That's what had gotten them into all of this.

That's what was picking him off the floor too. Bulba climbed on to the bed and rolled up close to Vinnie without much of a word beforehand.

"Me too."

Carefully, he stroked Bulba's hair out of his face, letting his fingers run idly along the other's ear at the same time. Even the simple act of the other Venusaur beside him suddenly gave Vinnie a sense of peace - one that assured him that despite the tightness in his chest and fear of the future, what they had in the moment was not a mistake. He couldn't let this turn into something to regret.

Vinnie let out a soft sigh. "It'll work out," he promised the younger Grass Type. "I'll make it work."

Whatever it took. If Vinnie had any say in things, he'd find a way to stay by Bulba's side as long as he could. It was the least he could do for the amount of care and patience he'd been given.

Bulba made him happy. So it was only right: "I wanna make you happy, too."

The younger Saur closed his eyes at the gentle touches, reaching up to brush his fingers over the back of Vinnie's hand. Whether it was to keep the touch there or to stop it, he wasn't really sure. There was no doubt that he wanted the warmth that came with it, but the desire made the guilt that much heavier.

I'll make it work.

Bulba kept his eyes closed, knowing the way Vinnie was looking at him was probably as tender as his voice. Don't, he had wanted to say, but his throat had felt too tight to speak. He couldn't bear the thought of the older Saur trying to do anything more for him after everything he'd already had to let go of. He shouldn't have had to do anything.

I wanna make you happy, too. The things that did to his heart. How dare he.

Bulba drew Vinnie's hand down, pressing a light kiss on his fingers. "You do already," he murmured, lifting his eyes to see him again. He let go of his hand to reach out and caress the other Venusaur's cheek. "You make me so happy. It's kind of unfair."

Definitely unfair. Extremely unfair.

Vinnie let himself lean into Bulba's touch, taking solace in it as much as he could. He could only assume Bulba meant that it was unfair that not everyone was as happy as he was, which... well, that was a good thing, right? It meant Venusaur was doing something right. The idea that any of this was unfair to Vinnie simply hadn't crossed his mind.

"I'm al'right with that," he smiled, letting the feeling of Bulba's kiss linger on his fingers like a warm afterglow.

Despite the dimensional bubbles and dips into his memory, and no matter what would happen, Vinnie wanted him to know, "No matter what you've seen... I don't regret this. I'd never regret you. Okay?"

He wanted nothing more than to believe that, wholly and truly. He wanted to believe that it was enough to not be a regret. It wouldn't have been a mistake then, right?

Bulba knit his brows together slightly uneasily as he looked at Vinnie, his lower lip briefly caught in his teeth.

"... Are you sure?"

Bulba's unease fed into Vinnie's, but it was his job to be the reassuring one right now. He had to believe what he was saying. He had to convince Bulba to believe it too.

"Of course I am." Sure, Vinnie did things that he still undoubtedly regretted, but he knew that giving their relationship a chance wasn't one of them. It was an absurd question. To illustrate that, he added, "Would you regret me?"

Bulba brushed the pad of his thumb across the crest of Vinnie's cheek, shaking his head against the bed. "No," was the quiet, firm reply. "I wouldn't."

"See?" Satisfied with having proven his point, Vinnie grinned and leaned down to peck Bulba affectionately on the cheek, as if to seal this unspoken agreement.

"If I had to choose, I'd do the same thing all over again. No matter what." He was sure of it. That was just the kind of person he was.

Of course. Vinnie wasn't the sort of Pokemon to change his decision on a do over. Should have expected that, really.

Instead, the simple statement set the younger saur ablaze. He felt the heat crawl from his chest up his neck, creeping all the way up to the roots of his hair as he curled in closer to press his scarlet face into Vinnie's shoulder. He couldn't tell how much of him was happy and how much was ashamed about it, since the two feelings had been walking hand in hand for months now.

But as long as those words could stay true, Bulba wanted to be there with him.

Bulba moved his hand, deftly hooking it around Vinnie's broader frame in a tight half-hug. "Okay," he muffled into his shoulder.

IC contact; phone

SOMETIME... JANUARY.... Pre-Dargons

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